Another couple down, another relationship gone. Not mine, but a couple I know.
The guy left his wife and 2 kids. Crazy, if you knew how happy they seemed. That’s how it goes though right? The front a breaking couple can put on is so convincing that you just assume that they are the happiest they have ever been.
It’s not the first one I’ve see happen like this either.
Same story, the husband feels the wife has checked out of the relationship or it’s all about the kids now. So he leaves, finding comfort elsewhere, or he’s just miserable all the time till she leaves him.
I find the more kids a couple has the more common it seems. I’ll be fully honest in saying I get it. I know exactly how the man feels. I’ve been in the same trenches, feeling the same way.
It’s hard, your wife went from being your wife to a mother. Her priorities shifted from focusing her love on you too the kids. Your workload just doubled overnight. You are now doing everything for the oldest.
You may have come across this article wondering what is the biggest unexpected struggle for a man when having more then one kid. I’ll tell you what I’ve experienced as the biggest struggle. Having seen it first hand from friends and couples I know, the biggest struggle will be keeping your relationship with your wife alive.
You may feel like your relationship is the strongest its even been and nothing could ever bring you apart. I know the feeling, my wife and I are the 03’ Bonnie & Clyde, Us vs The World.
I’m here to tell you that may not be as true as you think. The more kids you have the harder the struggle. Plus, the closer the kids are in age just amplifies the problem.
If it’s your third child then you are taking care of the first two while your wife is dedicating 100% of her time recovering and feeding the baby.
When I say recovering it’s not just from the labor, but for what her body went through for all 10 months. That can take up to a year or longer.
The intimacy will be but a fading ember and not the roaring wildfire it once was, at least for the first few months. Don’t forget the more kids she’s delivered the longer it takes to recover. To add to that, the mental road block she might be facing about having sex again could take a while to get past.
Lastly and more importantly, if she’s suffering from PPD than intimacy is the last thing on her mind. You’ll walk into a room and find her crying for some reason that she can’t explain because she doesn’t even know.
As for you, you’re now the solo full-time worker, the cleaner, the cook, and bathing the kids day in and day out. You are the bedtime person every night, trying to spend time with the newborn, and trying to keep your marriage alive.
Every time you look up from the work your wife is sitting with the baby. Feeling resentful yet? A little annoyed? No, not yet? Well, add sleep deprivation or at the very least being woken up once or twice a night, you’ll get a little edgy.
It’ll start with missing the past. You’ll remember the partying till 3 am, drunk sex, and sleeping in. You’ll remember being able to make last minute plans.
Then comes the “What about me, I feel like a slave to my family.”
This is a crossroad in your life. This is where my friend went down the wrong path. He checked out. Like some guys who get overwhelmed with fatherhood, he felt that he wasn’t happy in his marriage anymore. He felt he deserved to be treated like when they were dating or pre-kids or just that his needs are important.
I get wanting to feel like your relationship matters, that is what a marriage is after all. In a perfect world, you should always make time for your relationship. In the real world though, that’s almost impossible at times. Worse is when you have no family close by to help with the kids so you can work on your relationship and keep it alive.
So, my friend found comfort elsewhere. He abandoned his wife & left his children. Now I’m sure they swap weekends and such but at that point it’s past where I’d ever want to be.
He changed she said. Leaving her for someone else because home life got to hard.
I don’t know him well enough to feel it’s my place to tell him what a colossal fucking mistake he’s making. So I’m telling you in hopes that it reaches just one of you. If I can make you realize that times right now may be hard but it’ll get better I’ll be satisfied.
I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve endured the struggle and strain multiple kids under 5 will put on your relationship. I have been in the kids shoes when my dad left my mother before I was even born. All I knew of him is that he abandoned his responsibility to us when life got too real. I didn’t forgive him until I was an adult and realized that if he didn’t leave my life would be a different story and might not have what I have today.
So you’re finding yourself at the fork in the road. One way you leave, maybe get your freedom back. You’ll be starting over, and you know what you enjoy playing the field again.
The other path is you stay and tough it out. Some days will suck. Let those ones go and focus on the what went right.
It’ll require you to talk to your spouse, not in a way that feels like an intervention but enough to let out a bit of what’s going on. So what can you do?
Fun stuff
For starters, talk when you and her are at your calmest. Take a day off work and make her do the same. Drop the kids off at school and go do something fun. A movie, go out to eat, bowling, amusement park. Tell her while you are out that you miss this. You wish you got to do this more. I know, I know, feelings right but she’ll appreciate the honesty.
Don’t download so much about what is bothering you that you freak her out. Think about it, what’s the real issue, let that one out. It very well could be just one issue and once fixed everything feels great again
If my friend just did this he’d probably still be married. Heck, my wife and I have done this a bunch. We would drop the kids off and have breakfast, go to Disneyland. I’ll always express that I want more time with her without the kids. She does what we can and find small compromises on how we go about doing that.
I will tell you the first few times you do this it’ll make you miss the old times even more. Just keep making time and you’ll see that over time your life will be closer to normal than is feels right now.
Remember the old days in a good way
You use to love your spouse. Before kids, life was the greatest, wildest, exciting time you could have ever had. Wild parties, hot sex, she was your best & closest friend. It was you and her vs the world! Then you welcomed your first child. Somethings changed but after a few months you two were kinda back to normal. Your beautiful wife turned into a hot mom. Her curves are accentuated after having a baby. You partied a lot less, you’re a little more tired. Other then that you both still had a strong bond together. Hell, if anything this baby brought you even closer together. Just like that time your life will get back to a form of normal it might take a little longer than the first time.
Let go of resentment
You will get a few months in and start thinking “ what did she do today?” The house is in the same disarray as it was when I left. She will be sitting there feeding the baby while you are running around doing everything after working all day. You will be tired, you will feel resentment. As quickly as you feel it, let it go. Resentment is not helpful at all. It causes nothing but problems. I find that looking at it from a different perspective helps. I look at it as, a relationship isn’t about who does what, who does more, who does the harder tasks. It’s about what is needed. My wife after giving birth NEEDS me to do more. She needs me to pick up her slack while she cares for the baby, because the baby needs her.
I believe in marriage and am old school about it. I feel if you get married then you should be together forever. Unless something bad happens like abuse then how can you not work it out. You loved one another enough to get married and bring a child into the world. Now, suddenly you no longer feel the same? I feel that’s a cop out to avoid the hard work that is required in a relationship. In a relationship you both change, it’s inevitable. You will have to compromise and who knows it might change you for the better. Like me, I’ve always been an introvert but my wife isn’t. She loves being out. I’ve learned to be more willing to go out and socialize. My wife didn’t care to eat red meat but she’s learned to like it. Why? because I love it. See, compromise.
So give it time. For your kids, for your marriage, for yourself, it’ll all take time. Best of luck in the months to come. Feel free to comment with any advice on how you navigated these hard times.
