Traveling as a new parent is rough. Not just for you, but for your family as well. I haven’t traveled for work, but I have been the one to stay home to take care of the kids when my wife had to travel. I had no idea how difficult it would be. Being thrown into being the one to do everything while she was gone. The following tips might help if you are the one to travel or if you are the one to stay home.
Don’t Judge
Your spouse has been left alone to deal with the kids and that is not easy. I’m speaking from experience. Your spouse will do things differently while you are gone, it‘s survival. Not having the extra help around the house requires them to make compromises they didn’t have to make when you were there. Like, letting the kids watch t.v. in the evening while she gets supper ready. Well, that is the easiest way to distract them so she can cook.
Don’t Come Home Like You Run The House
Like I stated above, you haven’t been around, you’ve been away working. Your spouse is running the house now, so don’t undermine her authority because three things will happen.
- She will be pissed that you’re acting like she isn’t your equal.
- The kids won’t respect what she says. They will think, “Well I just have to wait till daddy comes home and I’m in the clear.”
- If the kids are older and have a better understanding of how things are when you are away vs when you are home.
When I came home from Iraq year before I had kids, I was in a class where they explain how to be apart of society again. They told us that you need to realize that their lives continue even when you are not home. This is a great lesson not just for Veterans returning form war but for parents who’s job takes them away.
This is usually an issue when you’ve spent months from home. This article by Military One Source is for returning Veterans but would also work well for those long away form home jobs.
Show Your Appreciation.
When you get home, make sure you show your spouse how much you appreciate everything they do. Even stay at home moms who, with the utmost respect, are always home anyway. It would be disrespectful if don’t acknowledge her hard work. Think about it, you come home, talk about your trip all she’s hearing is you got to sleep through the night, you got to eat without interruption, and you got to have adult conversations and interactions. What you had wasn’t a business trip it was a vacation. Now, add that if you don’t acknowledge their hard work and you’re looking at an argument and resentment.
Call Every Day
Ok, maybe not every day but communicate with your spouse to see what is a good amount. My wife and I will talk every night both with the kids and again after they go to bed if time permits. What’s better is if you can FaceTime so the kids can see you. When you get to see each other it helps the distance feel a bit smaller.
Create A Travel Calendar For The Kids
My kids love this and it really helped them understand when momma is coming home and how long she will be away for. We got a small table calendar and let the kids cross the day’s off as they go by.
If gone for more then a week you could even do special day check points. For instance, if gone two weeks on day seven do something special with them like ice cream, a movie, or anything that they don’t normally get to do.
Spend Some Time With Each Kid
When you get home, after you have recovered from jet lag, take a day or at least a few hours with each kid. Go where they love to go. It might be ice cream, the playground, the beach, movies, bowling or whatever your kids love doing.
Doing this will help keep your bond with your kids. I’ve seen how a traveling parent can lose that bond because they don’t make time for their little ones when they get home because they think the little one didn’t recognize the time they were gone. A day away can feel like a lifetime.
Have A Romantic Evening With You Spouse
This can be done both before you leave and after you get home. Pamper her, so she’s not doing any of it. Cook a great meal, have a date night, or do something she loves. Again, show your appreciation for her.
Bring Reminders
On your trip, it’s always great to bring reminders of your family. Photos, videos, sometimes they give you one of their toys, or stuffed animal, Either way, it’s always wonderful to see it in your room to feel a little less alone. Just don’t forget it in the hotel room or you’ll be begging your kid for forgiveness.
Now, this half is for the dads who’s wives travel for work. If it’s your first time with the kids alone I feel your fear. I was terrified when I was left alone with the kids. I hope this helps you feel a little less overwhelmed.
Invest In Help If You Need It
There’s been a few times I’ve invested in help. Once, my in-laws we’re out visiting us from Maine. They watched the kids during the day and I was able to go to work. When I came home I took over. What was nice about it was the kids got to spend time with their grandparents who they don’t get to see that often. My mother-in-law also cooked so it was a relief on my part as the kids got to eat earlier then if it was just me by myself. We found that instead of having to pay for a babysitter we had either her parents or my mother come to visit. A plane ticket is cheaper than a babysitter and we would love the kids getting a chance to see their grandparents who they don’t get to see very often.
Make The Goodbye Quick
When you or your wife leave for a trip, try to make the goodbye quick. I find it easier on everyone if you can keep it under 5-10 minutes. For instance, if you are at the airport outside security give hugs, kisses and leave. Don’t go back or if you are the one staying the just take the kids back to the car and leave the area. It’s hard on everyone if you stretch out the goodbye. If the kids are younger they may become clingy.
Have Some Fun
After your spouse leaves, or you drop them off, go do something fun with the kids. I know my daughter loves Disneyland and the playground so we went to a playground after dropping the wife off at the airport. Later that week we went to Disneyland. I’ll admit this sometimes is a hard one to pull off with more then 1 kid and with how busy our lives are it is a challenge but totally worth it.
Take It One Day At A Time
This one is important for your sanity. If she is gone more then a few days it can be overwhelming. Taking it one day at a time and giving yourself little victories at night, like a good beer in a frosted mug.
Make A Calendar For Yourself
I followed the kids’ calendar at first but making your own calendar will help you keep track of how long your wife’s gone, as well as anything you want to do with the kids while she’s away. The more you have planned out the easier it will be.
Make A Schedule
If you’re not the one that usually takes care of the kids, I suggest getting a rough schedule from your spouse. It’s good to know what their usual meal times and how much, nap times, baths, etc. that’s what I did. Not that I don’t know or don’t do any of these things. I know, it sounds like I don’t know anything about taking care of my kids but it’s more so if I draw a blank or second guess myself I have a cheat sheet. That can make you more comfortable.
Prep Work Is Key
Preparing the night bottles, or the morning stuff before you go to bed is highly suggested. What I like to do is get the formula in the baby bottles and in the milk jars (the ones with the yellow lid used for pumping) I measure out the water. That way all I have to do in the middle of the night during feeding time is warm some water in a measuring cup, pour the water from the milk jar into the bottle, and put the bottle in the warm water. I find that the easiest way to do it when you are holding the baby trying to keep him quiet while getting the bottle ready. When prepping lunches I put everything, but the freezer pack, in a tray within the fridge. In the morning I put the freezer pack in the lunch pale, put everything from each tray, and boom I’m done.
Hit The Rack Earlier
If possible go to bed earlier then you normally would. With the kids waking up in the middle of the night and you are the only one tending to them you will be needing that extra sleep. Plus, you will hopefully be able to wake up a little earlier than the kids. That way you can get everything ready before they even wake up or just be able to have time to get the stuff you need to do like shower or shave.
You Do You
You and your wife, when together, have rules for the kids. Some people will say that you should keep those rules firm and hold the kids to those when she is away. In part I agree but you can be a little more lenient when you are doing it solo. For instance, I give a little more t.v. time when the wife is gone to help me distract the kids so I can get a meal ready for them. I try to keep bedtime the same but sometimes I would split it so I put my son to bed first and then my daughter when it was a challenge to get them both ready at the same time.
Have One Of Your Spouses Unwashed Shirt
No not for you, it’s for the baby. Your wife’s scent can have a calming effect on the baby, so I have read. I did try it with my son without success but admittedly I did try it when he was already losing his mind. I’ve heard that putting a pillow inside of it for the baby to rest their head against is suppose to soothe them. If this is the first time bottle feeding, and your wife has been breastfeeding this whole time, then I would try holding the bottle with the shirt wrapped around your hand.
Don’t Resent Your Spouse
You will never admit it out loud, doing so will open up hell. But I will. I resented my wife the first time she left. When we talked all I heard was I’m doing this and that, eating out, getting sleep, having conversations with other adults, just having a good time.
Yes, I was resentful, jealous, and being a baby about it. I’ve learned that she does this every day when she was home with the kids for 3 months after my son was born. She didn’t talk to another adult for those 3 months. She never complained or even said anything about it being difficult. I also learned that I am capable of taking care of the kids by myself. I’ll admit I wasn’t sure I could do it. Just know, your spouse leaving their world of family and parenting responsibilities behind is going to be extremely hard on them as much as it is on you. You’ll want to thank your spouse when they get home. Now you’ll know and appreciate how much they do every day. I thanked my wife and even called my mother, and thanked her too.
Take Photos & Videos
You are going to want memories, and proof, of when it was just the kids and you home having fun. Keep this one going even after because having photos to look back on shows you just how much they can grow in such a short period of time.
Send Her Photos Throughout The Day
This one is for your spouse. Sending photos of the kids throughout the day helps them feel like they are still apart of everything even though they‘re not there. Plus, it’s proof the kids and you are still alive.
Try To Keep Their Schedule
I did say you be you but it does help if you can keep as close to their normal schedule as possible. For one it will keep the peace when your spouse returns to see that you, though doing things your way, was capable of keeping the house running. Secondly, keeping the kids on their normal schedule helps them cope with the change of not having momma home. It also shows them that just because momma isn’t home that daddy is capable of doing more then what they may have seen in the past. I know a few dads that only know how to cook hotdogs in the microwave wrapped in bread and cheese or ordering takeout. Now if you can learn a few meals while the wife is gone trust me, that’ll be brownie points right there.
Keep Doing It Even After Your Spouse Returns
This goes along with the one above. Note, this is for spouse like I was who didn’t do a great deal of cooking before or the dad who doesn’t change as many diapers as your spouse. Keep doing what you’re doing even after your wife returns because for one jet lag is murder. She’s going to want to sleep and spend time with the kids. If you can keep up with it, do it. Cook the new meals you learned that the kids love. Keep up with the diaper duty, yes even the gag-worthy ones.
Enjoy The Time
This one is one of the top things to remember. Enjoy this time you’re getting to spend with just you and the kids. I loved spending time with just my kids. You are probably thinking “you should enjoy spending time with your kids” but you’ll learn that you don’t rely on anyone to help and you can still have fun with them. Eventually you will have things that you bond over with your kids that’s just yours.
I was proud of my ability to be thrown into an even more hands-on parenting role. Meaning I didn’t have a partner to tag in when I was feeling stressed or feeling like I needed a break. Which brings me to the final two points.
Realize It Won’t Be Perfect
I am a perfectionist to the core. Add to that the expectations of discipline with how I was raised, and training in the military. I struggled with realizing this wasn’t going to run smooth and as perfect as I had planned. Now I know that regardless, something is going to happen. Maybe it’ll be that guaranteed blowout before we walk out the door. Maybe it’ll be the boy flipping his food on the floor, or you’re daughter getting sick with a high fever the day you’re spouse leaves.
You’ll have struggles but your make it through.
Be Proud
Fathers, you did it. Great job. I know I’m going to catch crap from those “well moms do it everyday” people. You know what, they’re right. Our wives, the kids’ moms do it every day and don’t complain and are we thankful? For sure. I’m not saying we don’t appreciate all their hard work. Hell, if it was up to me mothers should get a day each month to celebrate what they do. Hell, I was raised by a single mother of 3 kids and who had at one point 6 or 7 jobs at a time. So, I appreciate everything mothers do.
What I am saying is dads we sometimes get thrown into suddenly being a single parent for a few days or weeks. I know some moms who travel for a month or more at a time. Us dads don’t get acclimated to it. We are thrown to the wolves and it can be scary. So your spouse coming home and the kids are still alive. Hell, that’s success in my eyes.
People say it all the time and I’m afraid they are right. Before you know it, they will grow up and no longer require you to always be there watching over them, need you for baths, to get supper ready, or to get dressed. So enjoy the experience, be proud, and have fun.
Please comment below with your own experiences traveling or being the one who stays home with the kids.
