Something that never really crossed my mind before having kids is losing someone close to me and the funeral that follows. Probably because who really thinks about that when it doesn’t feel like time is moving.
I know it’s going to happen eventually and it scares me. Eventually it’ll be someone that brings me to my knees with sorrow. I don’t want my kids to see me like that. Also as people we don’t deal well with death even as adults. Is that because we didn’t experience it in a good, healthy way or is it just how it is?
I know loss happens but what about when you have kids? Do you take them, or do you leave them at home? It’s a question many have in a time of loss. So when it comes to funerals, what is an appropriate age for kids to attend?
The truth is, in a lot of cultures around the world the deceased is kept within the family home so the family can pay their respects. So with that logic any age is ok to attend a funeral.
Now I don’t know if I 100% agree with all of that. I for sure don’t want a body in my house. Especially with my kids here, that is not a chain of questions that I’m ready to answer.
I DO think it’s ok to take a child of any age to a funeral. That way they can see everyone, show their respects, and show them that a funeral isn’t about death and loss but about celebrating someone’s life and the memories they left with us. Plus, it teaches kids how we deal with loss and keep moving forward in life in a healthy way. It’s a tough life lesson but an important one.
With that said I do have opinions regarding ages and if they really need to go.
I have to disclose here that I have no degree in anything related to childhood development, psychology, or anything of that nature. I am just a dad with a opinion.
0-1
At this age I don’t know why you would take them. Unless they are really close to the person who has passed. You’ll probably be looking at a tired baby who could interrupt the service. Besides, they have no clue what’s going on. So unless you don’t have someone to watch the baby or if the person who has passed was an important person in the child’s life, like a grandparent, you’re better off leaving them home.
2-3
At this point they are very similar to zero to one age range. Add to that they do have a slightly better understanding of what’s going on around them. Who they know is more ingrained in them with having spent more time with people. Like above though unless they are close to this person I might still leave them home. No need to cause added stress to you with them potential acting up. If you are religious this is a good time to bring this subject up. Even if you are not religious bringing up heaven, afterlife, or reincarnation might easier for them to understand.
4
I think by this age they have a better understanding when you talk to them about things. You will probably have to tell them about death. Trying to help them understand why they wont be seeing them again in a gentle way.
5-7
Children at this age have gotten very close to people and they may take this hard and have lots of questions. From here on up in age you don’t really know how they will react. Some may have no reaction some may grieve and others may act out as a way of coping. Being close with them, talking to them, and answering their questions as honest as you can will help.
8-12
They will probably have a clear understanding of death. The burial part you might have to explain in a way that lets them know the person who has passed doesn’t feel pain.
13 & up
By this time they are plenty old enough and should be able to sit through the service. Be sure to talk with them and watch to make sure they seem to be dealing with the loss. It’s going to be hard on them especially if they were close to the deceased. It also seems like the further they are along in high school the harder they take it.
I went to 4-5 funerals when I was a kid, across a variety of ages. 4 of them I remember clearly and the other one I was young enough that I almost can’t remember it so I imagine I was rather young.
From what I can remember the hardest part was seeing the people I love crying. I don’t remember ever crying myself probably because either I wasn’t super close to the deceased or I didn’t understand when I was younger. I also never asked any questions about it. For one, stuff like that was never talked about in my family. Secondly, I didn’t want to open up any bad feelings for anyone.
So if you are debating on whether or not to take your kids, here are some things to assure it goes as smooth as possible.
Give the child a choice.
There are a few choices to give the child. If they understand what has happened giving them the choice to go or not might be something you can do. For SURE if it’s an open casket give them the choice if they want to see the person who has passed. If they do then you might want to explain how the deceased will look like they are sleeping but they are dead. Trust me on that one, I remember like it was yesterday every wake I’ve been to and every time I swore the person was going to open their eyes and sit up still creepy when I think about it. In all seriousness though, giving them a choice it might help them with understanding, grieving, and giving them closure.
Time of day
This one is especially important for the younger kids. the earlier the better. Most funerals are morning or early afternoon, so if that’s nap time and you want to attend stick close to the door incase the child gets fussy. As for the wake they are usually between 2pm & 9pm. If you want, go early with the kids to show your respects. You can always have someone watch them after, so you can go back to be with the family. That’s what my mother did when I was younger and I think it worked out for us all I was able to pay my respects and she had the opportunity to be with the family later without worrying about watching over me as well.
Food, potty, and drink
A good way to avoid meltdowns and something you might not even be thinking about at this time is making sure your child has eaten, make sure they go the bathroom right before the service starts or before you leave the house (even if they say they are fine). Bring a bottle or sippy cup for the little one.
Outside or inside
Is this a graveside funeral or in a church? The trouble with graveside is kids see grass and think play (depending on there age of course). The best thing you can to is talk with them and explain why you are going and what is the appropriate way to act.
How close is the child to the person
To me this is one of the most important. Some parents have been known to not let there kids go to even their spouses, the kids father or mother, funeral to protect their child from the pain. The problem is, it causes more harm because the kids don’t have that closure that they need even if it hurts at the time. So, depending on how close or important the person is to the child then they may either should or shouldn’t go. For instance a grandparent, for sure parent, close aunt, uncle, cousin, or god forbid a sibling. With that said, if it’s a relative they only met once then maybe you could have them stay home if you are struggling with it.
How to prepare the kid for a funeral
Something that might help them is to prepare them for what to expect. I think a good list of things to prepare them with is:
- Tell them as soon as you can- Don’t avoid it to avoid the questions. Be honest.
- Why you are going- The best way to put this is this is a place to see other celebrating in the memories of the deceased and they will see people crying but it’s just because they miss them.
- What is the appropriate way to act- Regardless of the age this will be a good one because never having gone before they don’t know what to do nor how to act..
- What they can expect to see-Crying, the deceased, laughter (let me explain so you don’t think I am twisted. my family and people I consider family love telling stories we remember of the deceased. THe Antics, pranks, flubs, whatever just stuff that makes us remember the good times).
- Roughly how long you will be there- Knowing how long even if they don’t fully understand time so they are not confused as to why you are still there.
Be prepared for lots of questions
Kids ask questions, lots of questions, so you can only figure they will be curious about what happened. You should ask them before you go and after, if they have any questions. That way you can help them process. They might not have any questions for a while but if they do this is a few you can prepare for:
Why did _____ die?
This is probably the most common and sometimes the most difficult to answer. If my kids ask me I might say something like, “Well sweetie, as people get older the body breaks and can no longer heal itself and when that happens they die. Just know that ____ is not in pain and you will always remember the good time you had. ” and then give them a memory to think of to get their mind off death and to celebrate the memory. If it is sudden, “ Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes people we love have an accident and Make sure you don’t say “went away” or something that sounds like they could return. Children don’t understand euphemisms.
Are you or momma going to die?
Am I going to die?
Does it hurt to die?
A good reference for this is on Baby Center. The also have some good answers to those hard to answer questions
They might have bad dreams
So they could wake up with nightmares and as hard it is to be woken up, use that time to bond and just keep reminding them that it’s not something that happens everyday to the family,
Don’t be surprised if the child doesn’t react
Don’t be surprised if your kid doesn’t react like you would. It doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with him or her. Like I said earlier I don’t think I really reacted at the funeral or the wake. Most likely, the child either doesn’t understand why everyone is crying or they might not react now in the moment but later they might.
Be sure to ask them if they have any questions both before and after. make sure they know they can open up and talk even if it’s not right now. Everyone processes death in their own way and being there for them will help in making sure they process it in a healthy way. I hope this helps.
