My wife and I found out we were expecting on our 13th wedding anniversary. I played hooky from work and went out for breakfast after dropping our daughter off at daycare. We went to a movie at some hole in the wall theater. When we got home she gave me a box that had the test and a tiniest pare of white booties inside. I was shocked, though we had been trying, it happened much faster than when we were trying to have our daughter. I wasn’t expecting to be preparing so soon for baby number two but I was excited.
While on the trip, before telling anyone, we lost the baby.
We decided we would head up north to Sacramento to tell her grandmother first and Skype with the rest of the family to surprise them. It was only a month out from when we found out and usually you would wait 3 months but we felt like nothing can go wrong we’ve done it before with no trouble so why wait. While on the trip, before telling anyone, we lost the baby. I felt numb the whole time. The hardest part was to pretend in front of the family that we weren’t going through this heartbreak.
This pain was deeper then any pain I’ve ever felt. I felt like it was my fault. At the same time, I felt relief. After knowing when it happens in the first trimester that it is no one’s fault. Usually, when it happens in the 1st trimester there is something wrong with the fetus that won’t allow it to survive even if going to term.
So many emotions flooded my body but I had to be the rock. As hard as it was for me to grasp, my wife needed me the most at this point. This is one of the hardest things for a woman to experience. Not just the normal emotional pain that we as anyone would feel but to throw the chemical imbalances that occur in their bodies as well. I’m honestly amazed how women can find the strength to weather that pain.
We went through this back in 2017. We didn’t let it stop us from trying again. we lucked out, just a few months later we found out we were again expecting. It made me not want to feel as excited as I did before in fear it would happen again. I never want to see the woman I love more then anything go through that kind of pain again.
As for words of advice for the men on here. I can tell you it’s going to be hard for you both in many ways. She might not want to talk about it at all. She’s going to be hit by this much harder than you and more then you could understand. You know your woman best so judge how much she needs you there. For me, I tried to be there every minute for my wife and talked to her through the day even when I was at work, whom I explained my situation to so they would understand. She quickly dove right back into work because for her the distraction is what she needed. For me, I did the same, dove headfirst into work using that as my daily distraction.
It’s no ones fault
Your mind will think of every way possible that it is your fault. You will think was it because she overdid it at work? Was it because of last nights between the sheets action? Was I not letting her rest enough? None of that is true. It’s no one’s fault. I’ve learned after years of dealing with depression that your mind will take you places you’re not prepared to go. If anything remember this one thing, don’t fight the thoughts let them in and just as quickly let them go. Fighting the thoughts away and avoiding them is a guaranteed way for them to keep coming back. I’ve gotten to a point that I let them in, say to myself “well that’s just silly” and find facts to why that can’t be true and usually it helps the thoughts leave as quickly as they came.
Be there for her.
Like I said earlier for her it’s more than just the emotional pain of losing the baby there is a sudden hormonal imbalance as her body is trying to readjust to not being pregnant which intensifies the emotions. The best thing you can do is help in any way you can with all the housework, dealing with the kids (if you have any already). Does she like foot rubs then rub her feet. Hates laundry, dishes, vacuuming, or giving the kids a bath? Then guess what you’re up so get it done. You hear this all the time but it’s worth repeating. You’re not there to fix the situation, you are there to help her and yourself through the pain.
Hold her.
I think this is what helped me heal the most emotionally as much as her. Holding her releases oxytocin also known as the cuddle hormone. She will most likely be crying or start crying but it’s helping.
Medicine or a medical procedure may be needed.
Some medicine might be prescribed or a D&C might be required for her to clear the tissue. Luckily we didn’t require any of that. I’ll leave a link here to Americanpregnancy.org that explains the D&C if you want to know more.
Take time for yourself.
This one is important. Take time for yourself. Maybe it’s pool, surfing, practicing guitar, whatever your favorite thing to do is, take time to do it. I think mine was playing on my Xbox. Just make sure you don’t overdo it.
Trying again.
This one will be more up to her. Your Dr. may suggest you wait 3,6,18 months some may suggest you try when you are ready to try again. Following your Dr. advice is always a good idea. It’ll be will be when she is ready emotionally. Depending on many factors another miscarriage is possible after having one but it’s a very low percentage.
I’m not going to tell you I am some expert in this because I’m not. I just want you to know that it’s normal to feel pain about this for you too. On the flip side, some guys feel nothing because to them the baby wasn’t someone they have held yet. That fine too. You main focus will and should be caring for your wife.
