Let me lay the story for you. It’s 8:30pm about an hour or so after the kids bed time and we are just now getting them to bed. A struggle from the very start.
“Put the IPads away” I say
Aaliyah starts to slowly close her laptop and Dominic ignores me
“Dominic put it away” I state again
“I want candy” was the response he gave me
“No it’s Late” I said
Well this goes on and he try’s to get it himself. I get short with him. I offer him an ultimatum and he complies… For a moment.
He keeps acting up regardless of anything we say, refusing to put his pj’s on, pushing his sister, back talking you know the routine.
I’ll be the first to admit even after 3 kids I’m clueless on how to discipline a kid or get the to respect me for that matter. My father wasn’t in the picture, and when my mother was married my step father was a psycho. As for my mom, when she was single she raising 3 kids. I did whatever I wanted and I had no discipline.
When I joined the military they broke me and rebuilt me through yelling, intimidation, and fear. I can’t use any of these scenarios to raise a child. Not one that wont need professional help or turn into a serial killer.
Mom if your are reading this you did a great job raising me just not disciplining me. Love Ya.
Anyways back to the story.
So after I tell him to knock it off and start treating people with respect I walk away to get Jasmines bottle ready, her pj’s on, and to take a breath leaving my wife to try and wrangle the monsters.
Next thing I hear is,
“What did you just say!”
I wont lie i thought he said a word he may or may not have heard from me usually when I’m playing COD Warzone. FYI hit me up if you want to jump on and play. Lol.
Anyways I knew it was bad by the tone in Theresa’s voice.
Now, Dominic doesn’t speak super great and it’s sometimes hard to understand him… Well, not this time clear as day he told my wife,
“Dead Mom”
Well that totally changed the whole atmosphere of the evening to put it lightly.
Everyone just kinda stopped talking to one another and I mean instantly. Not a peep.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence I offer to put them to bed and Theresa walks out. Later to which I find out to cry… Understandably.
I only know what was said because my oldest told me and she knew it wasn’t good. So I let them get into bed.
So, you may be wondering how do you deal with a child who says or basically says “DIE” “I wish you were dead” or something along those lines. Or perhaps you are the other parent like me. I’ll tell you how I handled it and it worked.
Don’t Take It To Heart
Kids say things like this because they can’t express how they are feeling. Controlling your emotions is hard for even us adults. I mean how many times have you yelled at someone from your car becasue the jackass cut you off. I drive the 405 so for me it’s daily lol.
Think about all the emotions they feel. Anger, sad, fear, happy. Now imagine all those emotions, not having a clue about the world and why things happen the way they do, and zero experience controlling those feelings. That’s rough! When you think about it you almost feel sorry for them.
They might be so mad at you because you won’t let them have chocolate every meal, sad you had to yell at them for not listening. Perhaps they are over tired and frustrated that you want them to get their pj’s on, teeth brushed, and in bed.
They may be feeling so overwhelmed with the world around them that they just want to lash out so you know how they are feeling.
“I HATE YOU!!!!” Maybe that’s what they are feeling when you won’t let them go to the party with their friends or what they are thinking you feel about them when you yelled at them for something.
I, after the fact, always think back to my childhood and how I felt growing up. I remember so many times feeling like I was so misunderstood by my mother.
When I made those many mistakes, well she doesn’t understand what it is like being young and trying to fit in, she’s old.
She doesn’t love me she never came to any of my away games. Well I was the kid that rode the pine pony and when I wasn’t I was shooting at the wrong hoop plus she was busy working 4-5 jobs.
In my relationships she always had an opinion. “I liked her” or “I don’t like her”… Well, I have to say on those she was wrong. She hated one girl and I ended up marrying and having 3 kids with her.
So how do you handle it when they lash out and say something so painful it hits you in the feels?
Ignore
Ignore it, let it go for a little bit like 5-10 minutes. They will be thinking about what they said it’ll run over and over in their little minds. Realizing for some reason it hurts not just you but them too. Let the silence echo. That’s when I started hearing Dominic quietly whimpering/whining. After a few minutes I asked him what’s wrong.
Start By Getting Them To Open Up
Ask them what’s wrong. Ask if they are you ok. See if they want to talk. This is where Dominic started to open up.
Sit & Listen
It may not make sense to you but to them it does. The younger they are the less sense it makes. I sat with my son and talked to him for a good 20 minutes. Half of what he was saying didn’t make any sense to me but I was giving him the time to express, in a calm way, what he was feeling and thinking at the time.
I hope by doing that he will see how much easier it was, and choose that route more often then using hateful words.
Ask Leading Questions
Ask them questions that help lead them into telling you what they were feeling in the moment. You want to know why they said it. What were you feeling when you said that? Why were you so upset when I told you get get your Pj’s on. Do you understand what you said and how it feels to hear that?
I talked to my son and asked him just that. I asked him what he said, to see if he had any emotion when he said it to me. Did he appear to feel bad? No, because he doesn’t understand death. He doesn’t know when you say “Dead Momma” that it means I want you dead. I want to never see or hold you again. What he told me was “I didn’t want anyone around me” “I wanted to be alone”
Poor boy just wanted time to himself probably to process what he was feeling but we were riding his ass to get to bed because it was late.
Let Them Know Why It Hurts
My son was so young he didn’t even know what he said was hurtful. He just wanted to be alone. I told him that it hurts when you say something like that to someone. It hurts right here and put my hand over his heart. I told him that he really hurt momma’s feelings. That she was crying, and I let him see my cry.
It was hard for me to explain to him that kind of pain without it effecting me emotionally. I don’t try to be the “man” with no emotions. No, I let them see me cry if I need to cry. I don’t hide my emotions from my kids. I do my best to control my emotions and teach my kids on appropriate ways of handling them. I’ll admit it’s a work in progress.
Give Them Options
This kind of goes with the asking questions but ask them what they want to do. With my son I was trying to get him to want to apologize and go give a hug to Theresa.
When I asked him if there is anything he wanted to do it was to play with his toys but my oldest daughter chirped in from her bed and was like “Don’t you want to give momma a hug and kiss?” I told him it’s up to him and that he doesn’t have to but he immediately got up and ran to give her a hug.
Don’t Force Them To Apologize
Forcing an apology doesn’t teach them anything. They need to realize, with a little coaching, that what they did was hurtful and then it’s up to them. If they are at the right age they will in their own way. Might be a hug and snuggle, chores for a day or two without asking, or make you an I’m sorry card, or perhaps nothing but an understanding nod. Take what you can get.
Forget About It
Don’t take what they said to heart. Does it hurt when they say they hate you or they wish they were someone else’s child or wish you were dead? YES, so much. You give everything to them and would sacrifice yourself for them and to feel that unappreciated hurts. However, you have to remind yourself that they are saying it but they are lost in emotions and don’t mean it.
Every situation is going to be different. As different as the kids themselves. Their age will matter in how they speak to you about it will be different but the core of the lesson is the same. Get them to open up and I’m sure you will learn the real meaning behind what they say. There will always be exceptions to the above but this is a great starting point.
If you’ve had similar experiences or you have other tips let me know in the comments see how others have handled this situation.
