No, I’m not talking about “expect the unexpected”. We are expecting and we were not planning on it for at least 4 years if ever, it was still up for debate.
Now between when we first met back in high school and our first child over 10 years had passed and we only got pregnant after over a year of trying. Between our first and second we knew we wanted another one and when we decided to try it happened. It wasn’t easy, we had a few struggles along the way. Months of trying and a miscarriage but eventually we were expecting our son.
I guess, subconsciously, I felt like it would only happen when we wanted it to. With it being so difficult in the past I felt we would be fine as long as we were smart about it and wasn’t reckless. Well, that idea was dead wrong.
You are here because your girl just dropped that sweet bomb in your lap along with a test that says “Hey guess what, your going to be a papa.” So, you’re shitting bricks and you run online to figure out what you’re suppose to do. If you’re looking at becoming a first time father or like me, now expecting baby number 3, it’s still just as scary when you’re not expecting it. Here are somethings I’ve learned with going through this first hand.
Tips When Going Through An Unexpected Pregnancy.
Plan B?
Ya, that only works some of the time. It really only works if you take it soon after. WebMD Says up to 89% effective if taken within 72hr and 95% if taken within 24hr. On another article on WebMD is says that if you are over 165lbs it’s not recommended.
I know it’s to late to use that or maybe you did it and it didn’t work. Now I didn’t blame my wife or the makers of the pill. I just had to know why it didn’t work.
I’m telling you this so you realize that people look at this pill as a cure all. They look at it as oh she told me she took it, now she’s pregnant, so she must have lied about taking it. She always said she wanted a baby and I didn’t. Whatever is going through your head… Let it go. It’s too late. You will drive yourself crazy, you will fall so deep down that rabbit hole that you’ll start believing anything. So Plan B isn’t a plan it’s a prayer.
Don’t ever mention abortion.
Our circumstances are different with being married for 15+ years. We have never talked about abortion till we talked about what people we know might say to us. We would never go that route as it’s just not what we believe in.
There’s nothing wrong with abortion. I’m not saying that to be neutral, I just don’t care what others choose to do. I feel it should be up to the person who’d be giving birth and that’s the only person who should get a say. But that’s not what this article is all about.
So like I said, this isn’t a topic that came up till we talked about what people might say to us. But I suggest you avoid this subject at all costs. If you want a sure way to start a fight or something held over your head forever then go ahead, but good luck.
You will have an unbelievable amount of denial.
Even 3 months in, seeing the ultrasound, and hearing the heartbeat I was still in a bit of denial. The best way to deal with it I found is telling people. Telling people for one makes it real. You can no longer deny it if you’ve told others. Also telling people who listen, people who will be honest with you allows you to realize what good things can come of this.
Your life isn’t over but it will never be the same.
Not in a negative way as you might be thinking. This will give you a surprising amount of drive to better yourself. Maybe it’s the push you needed to go for that better job with higher pay. Who knows maybe you’ll finally start that business you’ve been talking for years about. Maybe you can start your website. Whatever it is use that drive.
For me, it definitely is a motivating factor. Since I found out I’ve been full bore on this blog. I’ve been writing every 30 minute lunch I get at work, before my family gets home, after they go to bed, and I listen to blogging how to videos while I’m designing at work. Plus I’m starting another site focusing on design next month sometime.
As you can imagine though, your nights out with the boys will take the back burner. You might not even feel that party child in you anymore. You will need to put more of an effort in being the best you for your family. You might not have the money to get the newest cloths or kicks, but honestly what was it doing for you anyways. It wasn’t adding value to anything it was only taking away.
So Life not over, just taking another direction. Except it & embrace it, don’t fight it, and everything will move much smoother for everyone involved.
You have to flip that switch
Flip the switch from ahhhh a mistake to loving the fact you’re having a baby as soon as possible. This will go a long way. Trust me I know after years of having kids I already miss the fact that I may not have enjoyed things when it wasn’t the “best of times”. You know, or you will, the times your kids are acting up, or not sleeping through the night. This time through, I’m going to take it all in knowing it’s the last time. The reality is, whether it’s the best or worst of times it’s what you make it.
People will have their opinions.
I’m sure we’re going to get opinions from family, friends, or people who don’t even matter. Also, having an unexpected pregnancy is still taboo/frowned upon. You might get the same if so do what I do… Forget them. You’ll have people ask “what are you going to do?” “Are you keeping it?” “What were you thinking?”. Well, I wasn’t or I would have known better then to talk to your dumb ass.
All kidding aside it doesn’t matter what people think. It’s easy to say but hard to live by. I’m the worst we, at the time of writing this, haven’t even told anyone and don’t plan to for a while.
We want to break it to her parents when they come to visit next month so I can videotape their reaction. When we told them about our son we had a skype call and had to zoom right into Aaliyah’s shirt that says big sister, told them we are having another. I think we caught them off guard and fully unprepared because they were surprised so much that they changed the subject.
My mother, on the other hand, had enough reaction for a whole room of people so I guess everyone is different. But with such a mix of responses I am are wondering how an unplanned pregnancy announcement will go over. Guess we will find out soon enough.
You will have money fears.
I’m surprised how many times I freak out about some cost or another that pops up and somehow we manage. If you’re anything like me you know what living paycheck to paycheck is like.
For instance, after my car accident, we needed a rental for about 5 months. We got screwed by the company fixing the car. Somehow we managed to cover it, even though we didn’t think we could. Side tip, always have rental coverage on your insurance it’ll save you a ton.
So, like I was saying somehow you will find the money to cover the cost of an unexpected little one. You may have to apply to that job that pays a little more that you wasn’t sure you could do. Cut out your ToGo order of coffee or whatever your morning or afternoon fix is. Make more meals at home by setting a weekly meal prep calendar.
Just remember whatever sacrifices you make will not only better your chances of having a smoother time when the baby comes but usually, you are bettering yourself as well.
NOTE: With the above said don’t fall into this argument trap stated next. It could be a huge argument and this is the best way to deal with it.
So you are thinking I’m right about Togo orders and meal prepping so you go to your pregnant wife and say “Hey hunny, no more going out”. She very will could tell you a few things non of which are “ok”. At this point you might be thinking “ Hell I’m making sacrifices so should she it’s only fair”. WRONG! You are making sacrifices which is your choice. Don’t bother getting in an argument. Now if she is blowing through money on stupid stuff then ya stand up. But if she is on a 2-a-day McDonalds French fry kick just leave her be $6 isn’t Worth a fight. Just kick what you set for yourself and be happy about that.
Blame is a two way street.
I read an article somewhere say men are 100% responsible for pregnancies. Though a seriously written article, it was quite one-sided in saying how the man is all to blame because men cum 100% of the time related to all pregnancies. Talk about putting blinders on when writing an article. I will go as far as to say it’s 50/50 we both screwed up and I’m fine with that.
My wife and I are lucky enough that we have been together for a long time. The only blame is when we joke whose fault it is. I don’t suggest making these joke unless you are 100% sure they will take it as a joke or trouble may follow. But seriously, blame and or pity party is a no go.
Relax.
What is coming is a blessing. Once you get over the shock of the fact you are going to be a father maybe for the first time or when you thought you were done. And once you get over the fact there is nothing you can do to change it. Out of it is one of the greatest experiences you will ever have.
From birth to holding your baby, watching them grow, talk, and learn, you’ll be surprised how much you can love. Even 4 1/2 years later I’m surprised how I can get so irritated with my daughter and at the same time love her so much. I know my wife and I didn’t plan this, but I can already feel the shift to loving that we are going through this, hopefully, one last time.
Be present.
To reiterate, I know this is difficult but don’t go dark, into hiding, or shut off. It won’t help you or your family. With all 3 pregnancies I’ve just thrown myself into the role. Making sure Theresa is eating what she should and doing more for the family so that she can try and rest.
I know from experience that it seems like every time a woman gets pregnant the next one is harder on them than the last. She is more tired, sick, and hungrier then she got last time. Throwing yourself into it seems to be working for me and it might do the same for you.
You’re not giving up your dreams.
You are just changing the direction. When in life has anything ever gone the exact way you have dreamed they would. When I was in high school I knew I was going to be in Law Enforcement, I was in the military, I was going to have 2 kids with Theresa and would live my life in Maine.
Now I’m a graphic designer, product designer, blogger, have my third kid on the way with my wife, and live in the OC. It’s a startling contrast to what I planned and I couldn’t be happier.
Announce it
Take it from me, the sooner you announce it the easier it is to except. Not only that but it’ll be one thing off you plate that is probably causing stress. Than you can start with planning what you are going to do. Also, you’ll regret later that you kept it hush and didn’t enjoy this part of the experience.
Congratulations.
Whatever happens, whatever you both choose, however it workouts, that’s exactly how it was meant to go and I hope you can see the positive in what may feel like darkness.
