I was going to use one of those stereotypical images of a guy in a dark room alone, image bathed in blue. Perhaps a lonely desert road with a car way in the distance. You know like the commercials for depression medication.
Honestly though, that is not what it’s like when you are a father who has depression. You have so much joy and happiness around you. You just don’t know how to feed off that emotion. Not like how easy it is to feed off the lonely and depressed feelings.
Here is my story in how I realized I had depression, the long journey to help, and how I am now. I hope, if you’re feeling off it helps you realize that you don’t have to be off the rails before you should start looking into help. Also depression isn’t just sadness but it can also be self-destructive behaviors and anger.
My Story
What most people don’t know about me is I have a disability. Not one that is visual but it’s there. I have depression. You’ll notice I don’t say I suffer from depression as I’ve had it for so long it’s no longer suffering. My only choice is to live with it and except that it‘s who I am.
My biggest worry is the third baby has been here a whole 5 days and I can already feel the telltale signs of depression, even though I’m already on medication. When am I going to feel better and less irritable? Do I need a higher dose? Is it really even doing anything? Is it paternal postnatal depression (PPND), or paternal perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PPMADs)? Perhaps I’m I just overreacting and need to give it more time to get use to being out numbered and overwhelmed?
I wont get into what PPND and PPMAD is as that is a whole other article. If you are interested in knowing more about it, I found this to be a good article “When Dad Struggle After the Baby Arrives“.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression for 17 years. I’ve had it much longer, I just never knew that it’s not normal to feel this way. It’s not normal to think those thoughts. I think I know how it got developed into depression, through the particular childhood that I had.
I won’t go into it because it’s not necessary, not that it’s so bad it’ll make you cringe.
Actually, I can’t remember most of my childhood before the age of 12. What I can remember, in comparison to other peoples messed up childhood, mine wasn’t that bad. I just took to much of it further into my life then I should have. Not only did it cause depression but also caused episodes of anxiety and to be extremely introverted.
How I Found Out
My depression is one with a few of what some call suicide attempts, I call it pain relievers. I didn’t really want to kill myself, I just wanted to feel physical pain instead of inner unexplained pain. I just wanted the hurt to stop.
It was discovered when I was deployed overseas. Sudden changes in day to day or routine can make it worse for some that have depression and on deployment your life is suddenly turned upside down and you day can change everyday.
I was put on anti-depressants to hopefully make it manageable. They tried me on different ones until they found one that worked.
“The void that was left never filled.”
The tricky thing about medicine is, depending on the prescription, I hate taking it. It can make me feel numb. I didn’t feel the emotional pain that I use to feel but the void that was left never filled. I just felt…. Well… Nothing.
I don’t exactly know how to feel happy. I feel moment of joy but waking up happy, having a smile just because I’m happy doesn’t happen that often. Not that I don’t enjoy my life I just can’t go through a week of having joy all week.
The other tricky thing is when it works the way is should I feel less pain so I feel I’m cured. After a while, I think ”well I’ve been feeling good with no episodes so I must not need it anymore.” That’s a mistake, I stopped taking it and within days I’m back to the old me.
Returning Home
Returning home from deployment I moved from Maine to California. The move took over a month with my wife and I driving making a vacation out of it. I had run out of medicine before I even left for the trip.
That was 2005, I made it 11 years without medicine. Mainly because I self-medicated with alcohol. Lots of it. I wasn’t an alcoholic because if it wasn’t around I was fine. I just liked the relaxing feeling I got, like I wasn’t me. It made me less hyper aware of everything going on around me and care less about what everyone thought. Drinking was the only thing that worked at the time.
Everything Changed
All that changed for me when my daughter was born. I quit drinking almost immediately after she was born because I refused to hold her if I was drinking. I never wanted to not be able to hold her. So after a year and a half of not drinking that’s when the depression took over again.
Depression can manifest differently then what most people think. Most people think depression is ”oh you are sad”. No, some feel sad, some feel anxiety, some feel anger. Some have a bit of all of those. That’s me.
Feeling of sadness, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, I worry about things that I make up in my mind, and anger. All of those I can hide from people except anger. I can put on a fake smile when I’m sad or thinking about death, I can hide my anxiety huddled in my cubical as I burry myself in my work. I can even talk me out of the made up crap in my head. Anger though just escapes my cage. I can always tell when I have forgotten to take my medicine for a few days as I am easily annoyed, on edge, and quick to speak my mind when usually I say nothing at all.
Getting Help
So after a particularly bad day at work where I had gotten so pissed over another cancelled meeting that I had prepared for. Stupid I know, I mean if they want to pay to have me stop working and walk to a meeting that’s not going to happen why should I care.
I think it’s because it felt like a lack of respect for me and my time. So after blowing up in front of everyone including my wife who also worked there, she found me outside and flat out asked me wtf is wrong with me. I told her how I’ve been feeling and that I think I need to get back on antidepressants.
The next day I was in the Dr. office telling her this same story from the top and she wrote me a prescription.
Every day I do my best to keep that part of me, the anger & bad thoughts, behind me and be happier. Some days are good, some suck to the point that bad thoughts come back.
I just have to remind myself it will pass and I try and push those thoughts out.
One hard aspect of it for me is I know I should be getting more sleep. With working full time, running a blog, wife, and three kids it’s not much of an option. If I ever want the financial future I dream of I have to sacrifice sleep, something that when you have depression you need to be sure to get. I except that I will have to deal with some depression as a compromise and someday I’m hoping it pays off.
Eating healthy is another one. Luckily I can eat just about anything I want and don’t gain much weight but still, it affects me when I don’t eat as healthy as I should.
I have my moments where I will eat healthy enough to loose the 10 pounds or so that I put on, usually during the holidays or when my wife was pregnant and I ate like I was too. I’m sure someday I will start eating healthy but this wont be today. Hey, I just made cupcakes and I can’t let them go to waste.
The hardest thing I’ve had to deal with though is raising two children I love more than anything and recently just welcomed a third to our clan. When you have kids it’s difficult not letting you depression take you over. It’s a challenge to not let them see you in such a vulnerable state. Its hard not letting your feeling effect them in negative ways. I do my best everyday to make sure that the depression I have stays with me and doesn’t move to the next generation.
I sit here writing, knowing I have a newborn, a almost 2 year old, and a 5 year old and though I am getting help I also know there are many fathers out there yet to do so. Dads with depression that either doesn’t know it, refuse to get help, or are afraid of the stereotype that a dad with depression is weak or less of a man.
That stereotype is funny to me because if we were weak why would we continue to live? If you were weak you would have already given up on life. You wouldn’t have started a family. Living with depression isn’t weakness, it’s strength that keeps you alive.
If this is you, I hope they realize that with help comes relief. It won’t be easy, nothing in life that is worth it is. But don’t we owe it to our families to bring the best of ourself to the table, to storytime, to the living room floor as we play with them. Life doesn’t have to be this hard. Life should be filled with joy as we raise our children and teach them all that we know.
Depression is a soul-sucking, kick you in the teeth, want to crawl away to never to see the light again miserable S.O.B. It can be a lonely road, don’t go it alone. You don’t have to tell you’re family but you should tell someone. Talk to a Dr and see if you can find a solution to feeling better. I got lucky I got help before it could cost me anymore than it already had. I could have lost my family and to me that is the worst thing I could ever dream of loosing. Take it from me, if you need help get it.
