Let me start with I love being a dad. For how much of a struggle it is, it’s still one of the best experience I’ve ever had. With that said, it’s not easy nor did I expect it to be. There are things that have caught me off guard that would have been nice to know. Below is a list of 10 things I didn’t know before having kids.
You’ll miss your freedom.
Freedom to come and go on a whim. From waking the kids up for school, getting them in the car, to taking long trips. You can’t believe how long it takes to get them, and everything you will need, ready. As you are breaking your back getting everything packed in your car, a childless couple will just walk by to their car get in and drive off. All the while you are telling your kids for the 14th time to get in their car seat. As for those people who just drive off, you will secretly wish for there demise.
You’ll want some time to yourself but miss them when you get it. I get about an hour or so after work to myself. Mostly filled with cleaning, writing, maybe put the football game on if it’s the fall. So not much time to sit, relax, or maybe play a video game but it’s enough to have some time to not be fully alert.
After a while you will be craving time away. All I can tell you is try and find time to protect your sanity. It begins to be an internal struggle of wanting to be alone but not too alone.
One more piece of advice, make sure you are helping your wife find time for herself as well. It’s even harder on her because society will “mom shame” her for wanting time to herself even though it’ll help her. So she will avoid it to prove her greatness as a mother but in honesty make her take time off for her sanity and your protection. I don’t feel I did this enough with our first two. With Aaliyah she stayed home all week though we went out on the weekends she was still with the baby all the time. When we had Dominic it was worse because she took our daughter to daycare and just stayed up there by the school with our son. This time will be a little different, she can stay home this time with the baby, but I will be making her get out and have some pamper time for herself.
You’ll find the money
This one always freaks us guys out. Whether it’s your first of forth you will freak out about how the heck can I afford to care for someone else when you’re feeling that you can barely afford to live life now. What about the house you’ve promised her, is the car big enough, what about all that baby stuff. Trust me you’ll find a way. This one I don’t even truly understand even still. We always just find the money.
It might be tighter than before but you realize how much crap you’ve been getting that you don’t need to be. Cutting out stuff like the daily Starbucks runs in its place start making it at home. Buying less crap you don’t have room for anyways (talking to all you wives reading this).
Eating out less. If you like to eat out just make it cost-effective by sharing stuff or going on special days like taco Tuesday or wing Thursday (B-Dubs). Better yet, find away to make your favorite out food at home. We now have B-Dubs night at home. We went there to get the salt & vinegar seasoning and the wing sauce and now I don’t have to buy the $25-$30ish dollars worth of stuff.
I found that the first few months are the hardest because you’re still trying to figure it all out. Plus the wife will be off work for 3 months or so for maternity leave. During that time you learn to budget and cut back and if you just continue to do so after her leave is up you will be fine.
The only time we struggle now is when we are hit with an unexpected cost like the car accident that required us to have a rental for 5 months. Somehow we managed and so will you.
One last tip do your baby registry, with your wife, and whatever doesn’t get gifted you usually can get a percentage off at some point so be sure to get that done.
Realizing that you’re not indestructible.
I spent one night a while back reflecting on this one topic. For the first time in my life I was actually scared of getting old and dying. I actually never thought about getting old. I felt indestructible when I was younger. I’ve never been in a situation that I believed that whether I lived or died was out of my control. I haven’t lived a safe in a bubble life either. I’ve had close calls and find it thrilling, welcomed it even. The weird thing is when you miss the thrill when it’s not there.
Once you have kids though that changes. For one, you realize that you are no longer the youngest generation in the family line. You see yourself through your kids, and that you are now as your parents once were. Your going to be were your parents are now someday.
Another thing you realize is your family is not indestructible either. I’ve had scares with my family, my daughter had seizures when she was a baby till about 3yrs old. When see your kid stiffen up, shake, eyes locked in a far away gaze, and not responding to anything. It’s the most terrifying thing to think that you could loose the most important people in your life at any moment. At some point though, it’ll hit you and you’ll see a change in how you look at things and how you spend your time. Don’t think about it to much, don’t dwell on it, just enjoy the time you have together.
You wasted so much time before kids.
I had a blast in my 20’s and early 30’s. From parties and wild nights to traveling across the country on a month long trip with my wife. Looking back on it now though it makes me realize how much time I wasted on things that were not important. Our trip was very important it was a great way for use to get close again after my deployment. The partying though was a huge time suck. When you are doing it 3 nights a week, most of which was a blur, you realize after you could have been more productive & getting set up for a more secure financial future. But life is life and there really is no going back you can only enjoy the memories and work harder now at getting set for the future. That’s what I’m trying to do.
Your marriage will never be the same.
I don’t say this is a bad thing, or even a good thing. It’s just what it is. Your relationship changed when you went from taking her on a first date to being a couple. It changed again when you got married and moved in together. Another change as a couple that happens is when you’ve been together for many years. At that point you tend to get complacent until you realize it or she brings it to your attention.
So, it only seems logical that your relationship will change again when you have kids. You might find this to be the hardest change your relationship has endured. Sadly, this is a stage when statistically relationships tend to fail. One study I read stated there is a 30% divorce rate among new parents. Now, how slanted that study is I don’t know. What I do know is it’s not easy. Just realize that it’s really only rough for the first few months then it gets a little easier. Then after the first year it gets a little easier. Then, well you get where I’m going. It’s getting easier for a few reasons. For one the baby is growing and being able to do more on their own. You and your wife won’t have to be up every few hours. Also you’re learning as a parent what the heck you’re doing.
Sex what?
Another thing to except is that intimacy will fall to the wayside for a while. This part sucks but you are constantly caring for a baby, you’re not sleeping, and your wife goes from wife to mother of your child. Also you wife just went through MAJOR surgery and it jacks up her body in many ways. For instance, whatever injury sustained during the birth, the hormone imbalance, PPD, sheer exhaustion, and just feeling blah. Intimacy wont be there like it once was. She will be concentrating so much of her time on the baby, or trying to rest that there really isn’t much time for you two to have time alone even to chill. It’s not easy but once the kids are a little older you find the groove that allows for a balance of family time and time for just the two of you.
You will no longer look at entertainment the same way.
When you was childless you would watch 4th of July fireworks with your wife, you would watch a parade, you would watch things and enjoy it. Now, you’ll find your enjoyment on your kids face. You wont remember what the fireworks looked like but you will remember the look on your kids face when they see them for the first time. The look in a child’s eye is a look you can’t find anywhere else. It’s the true belief in magic and wonder that has yet to be tarnished and snuffed out by the world.
“The look in a child’s eye is a look you can’t find anywhere else. It’s the true belief in magic and wonder that has yet to be tarnished and snuffed out by the world.“
Weekends are no more.
I remember sleeping in on the weekends. Work all week to party on the weekends. It went from recovering from the week on the weekends and working during the week to recover from the weekend. Now, I’m up just as early on the weekends as I am during the week. I am woken by a toddler 2 inches from my face asking for Pj Mask or a crying baby. I’m busier on the weekends as well. We are always finding fun things to do like Disneyland, the fair, the park or kids birthday parties. We also have the not so fun things like laundry, cooking for the week, cleaning, running errands. All that added with kids who you can never guess what side of them you will get that particular day. The happy do everything they are told kids or the defiant to the core kids. I usually get the second one.
You can see how the weekends are packed now compared to what you are use to. That makes them tiring and blazing fast. All you can do is make them fun.
Another thing is plan family vacations. Even when the baby is young you can still plan vacations. our son is a year and a half old, I know not a baby but still young, and we went on a camping trip with tenting, hiking, campfire, and star watching. It was our first trip and I am looking forward to making more memories like that.
How your kids being just like you can be so irritating.
I personally just realized this when my daughter did something I use to do as a kid. I can’t even remember what it was. When I stepped back for a minute and in my head played out everything she does vs what I use to do. I realized at that moment she’s JUST LIKE ME!!! The backtalk, the way she acts up in class, the way she digs her heals in when she doesn’t want to do something, and my son is the same way. You’ll find it irritating but almost proud and admirable at the same time. When I called my mother the next day and told her what Aaliyah did… She laughed her ass off. Karma.
Time moves differently now.
One thing you realize when it has passed is time doesn’t move time like it use to. Between the ages of 20-32 I didn’t age. Time stood still. Every day looked the same. Every week & weekend was spent doing virtually the same thing work all week and have fun on the weekend. You don’t see your friends and family age because you see them so often as adults and there is not much body changes at that point.
Once you have a child that changes. You see your baby grow from barely opening their eyes to rolling, crawling, walking, school, then gone. To add to that you have less of the downtime that made time feel slower.
Just soak up the time, I know how cliché but it’s cliché for a reason, because it’s true. Take a shit ton of photos and not just of special times but those candid lifestyle photos that show the real person not the instagram version. Find those things you get to do with the kids that brings you closer like legos, or playing dolls, or kitchen/picnic, wrestling, whatever it take because it truly is the best feeling. You never want to look back and think “I just wish I spent more time doing things with my family. Trust me you will feel that anyways when time has passed. Because no matter home much time you got with them it’s never enough.
You’ll wonder what was the meaning of life before children.
This one I thought I’d never feel. I do miss my carefree pre-kids life, sometimes. But I don’t even know why people live if not for having a family to share life with. I spent years living life but inside I felt something was missing I just couldn’t place what it was. Now I know what it was. Kids are the meaning of life. If not for kids why are we here? To live and die and pass nothing on? With kids you find that meaning, to teach someone and mold them for success with money, happiness, love, and family.
You look at the world completely different.
You forget that everything in life has to be learned. You’ll realize how numb you’ve become to everyday life. A giant piece of metal that can fly though the air at incredible speed is whatever to you, your kids will marvel at the planes. Seeing stars and the moon is an every night occurrence for us, astonishing to a child. You find yourself seeing things that you ignored for years because now your kids are seeing it for the first time. You’ll want to show them the world. You’ll want to see things you haven’t see before, so you can enjoy seeing something for the first time with them. That is my whole purpose for taking them camping. I want them to experience the forest, and tents, to see a sky full of stars, to feel nature like I did before moving to the city.
Having children is a struggle, a blessing, and something that will change your life forever. Make sure you enjoy it from day one. No matter if this baby is planned or not it’s coming and it will change you but I assure you it’ll be for the better. I hope this helps if you are freaking out about what to expect, just realize you’ll find a way. How many of you dads have felt these moments of realization? And please share your stories with us here!!!
